i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
