After last night, I could never be a politician.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
