Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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