I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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