I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
