He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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