2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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