Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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