so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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