Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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