He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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