can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
