I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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