Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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