He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
