I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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