i may or may not be watching the land before time
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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