rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
