I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
