There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
