a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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