Umm I'm too high to move.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
