dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
