I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
