You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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