Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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