just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
