i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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