I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
