Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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