I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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