giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
