why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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