My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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