dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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