Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
