yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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