I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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