I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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