There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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