grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
