hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
