What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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