Screwed.edu
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
