That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
