Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
