He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
