i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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