im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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