Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm too high and old for this...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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